OK, so I think I am attracted to men and relationships that I know can’t and wont work out. And now that I think about it, all of my relationships in my adult life, have been that type of relationship. The ones where I’m attracted to the guy, and because I don’t want everyone to know about our relationship, or because I feel the need to hide it or hide him; I hide and don’t make it public and that just allows all sorts of craziness to happen.
Now the reason I shrink back into the shadows and don’t want relationships to work because secretly I know the relationships would never be approved by my christian circles or christian friends. I know the guys that I’m interested in fall below the mark of Christian “good dating material” And so by dating guys who I know our relationship would never work with, it almost appeases my conscious and I feel like I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not REALLY doing anything wrong. Because after all, I go into the relationships knowing, this will never be a real relationship, Im keeping you a secret,and your just here to temporarily satisfy my need for approval of men. So all of the relationships in my adult life, have been relationships that I’ve been to fearful to make public, so I likle them but then feel guilty about liking them etc.
And the truth is I dont even know if what I really want is a “Good christian man”, I know that what I want is a good man, a good relationship. I want to be with someone that is genuinely interested in me, that likes me for who I am, and is passionate about me and only me. I just want to be happy with someone, but then I also want to feel free from worrying that my relationship with that person is not pleasing to someone else. I think it’s my desire to please sooo many people around me that keeps me from ever really being free and pursuing the things and people that I want to be with. I feel bound. Like I’m not able to see what I want, get it, and be happy in it. Honestly, (lets not talk around it anymore) I think i want to be in a sexually active relationship. I guess you could say that I am kind of a virgin but not really. All of my experimentation with sex have been quick, and I can hardly remember them.
My first time was in high school, I think junior year, when I skipped school and went to my boyfriends house and we kinda dedicated the day to playing around in bed. I think we had sex lol (Its horrible that I dont remember) but it was both of our first times, and I dont really remember it that much. Then the guy that I dated after him our relationship was no sex at all, but LOTS of dry humping and the occasional fellacio. And by occasional I mean severely occasional because I wasnt comfortable doing it, and probably only did it to him once. This guy was also, the last boyfriend that I had (circa 2001). After this I got saved, and the guilt set in so I never called any of the men I was seeing boyfriends. We never made it official because I never planned to stay, but still wanted their commitment. Also after my 2001 boyfriend, there still was no full on sex! I actually like to call this phase the dark ages, because after I got saved I was so riddled with guilt about every guy that I started “talking to”. I didn’t have sex with some of these guys, oftentimes it was just dry humping, but there were a few that I let them put “only the head” in (as if that made a difference). And the danger in “talking to” these guys, not having any intentions that the relationship will work, but then secretly hoping it does, is that the guys were able to get away with more. I lowered my standards, and because the lines were blurry I gave to much and accepted to much. It was just a blurry mess all around.
So I’ve never dated, like really dated, and brought the guy around my friends to meet, to hear the feedback from the ones i loved. I’ve never set limits and boundaries because I didn’t want to take the relationship too seriously. Honestly, I’ve never been 100% myself in the relationship because I’ve always kinda been living a double life. I want a relationship where I am able to have sex once we care for each other, but then I also want a relationship with the Lord, and I want a man whose love for me stems in biblical principles because that’s the only way a insecure and skeptical girl like me will truly have faith that he wont cheat and that our relationship will work out. But that’s just not how God ordained sex, the way of the world is to have sex casually, while God’s way is to wait for marriage. So Im faced with the question….do I really want to be obedient to the christian value of waiting til marriage, or do I want to do my own thing? Is sex before marriage even really a sin in God’s eyes and if so, what are His plans on how we are supposed to control these raging hormones until we get married? I mean, Im about to hit 30, with no prospects, and I would like to begin dating later this year, but Im not quite sure, what I want that too look like.
Anyways, so this is my half formed, barely clear journal rant. As usual feel free to comment, share advice etc. Please dont judge me for my honest ramblings, these are sincere thoughts from the heart of someone who’s never really been able to ask these questions or share these thoughts with any church leaders.