My Heart Keeps Breaking

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mULa8WxTa4

Vindication.

Looks like the heart always want vindication man. It would be the greatest thing ever, for me to share all the horrible things I’ve been through at that church. To air all their wrongdoings, and then have people see that me leaving wasn’t because of some sin on my part. It’s funny and hurtful how easily people are willing to point fingers at you, and blame, condemn, or assign some sentence to you without even knowing anything about your situation. Throughout this whole thing I’ve kept my mouth shut. There are only few people who know the details, the who, what, why, where, etc. I havent spoken up to defend myself while people willfully twist my words, come up with their own reasonings etc. I havent defended myself at all, because these things arent being said to me and on top of that who would believe me. My voice is so tiny compared to theres.

Which is why it hurts so much when so-called friends speak to me with judgement and condemnation in their voices. YOU KNOW NOTHING! If only they knew, what they were implying that I go back to. If only they cared. It hurts to know that I stand alone. Except for the few that know details.

If only they knew the bondage, the humiliation, the shame, the prison that they were sendng me back to. And then to have the nerve attempt to tell me what God does and doesnt do. If there’s one thing that I’m sure of, its that it was definitely time to leave. I am positive with every fiber of my being that God wanted me to leave that place. However, I admit that the way forward isn’t 100% clear. Gods lead me to a new home church, and Im growing here and Im confident that this is where I should be, but Im also not so arrogant or prideful to assume that I know every aspect of this journey or where God will lead me.

So why do people insist on taking that soft spot and hitting me there to intentionally injure me and beat me back into submission.

Dating, Sex, and Christians

OK, so I think I am attracted to men and relationships that I know can’t and wont work out. And now that I think about it, all of my relationships in my adult life, have been that type of relationship. The ones where I’m attracted to the guy, and because I don’t want everyone to know about our relationship, or because I feel the need to hide it or hide him; I hide and don’t make it public and that just allows all sorts of craziness to happen.

Now the reason I shrink back into the shadows and don’t want relationships to work because secretly I know the relationships would never be approved by my christian circles or christian friends. I know the guys that I’m interested in fall below the mark of Christian “good dating material” And so by dating guys who I know our relationship would never work with, it almost appeases my conscious and I feel like I can trick myself into thinking that I’m not REALLY doing anything wrong. Because after all, I go into the relationships knowing, this will never be a real relationship, Im keeping you a secret,and your just here to temporarily satisfy my need for approval of men. So all of the relationships in my adult life, have been relationships that I’ve been to fearful to make public, so I likle them but then feel guilty about liking them etc.

And the truth is I dont even know if what I really want is a “Good christian man”, I know that what I want is a good man, a good relationship. I want to be with someone that is genuinely interested in me, that likes me for who I am, and is passionate about me and only me. I just want to be happy with someone, but then I also want to feel free from worrying that my relationship with that person is not pleasing to someone else. I think it’s my desire to please sooo many people around me that keeps me from ever really being free and pursuing the things and people that I want to be with. I feel bound. Like I’m not able to see what I want, get it, and be happy in it. Honestly, (lets not talk around it anymore) I think i want to be in a sexually active relationship. I guess you could say that I am kind of a virgin but not really. All of my experimentation with sex have been quick, and I can hardly remember them.

My first time was in high school, I think junior year, when I skipped school and went to my boyfriends house and we kinda dedicated the day to playing around in bed. I think we had sex lol (Its horrible that I dont remember) but it was both of our first times, and I dont really remember it that much. Then the guy that I dated after him our relationship was no sex at all, but LOTS of dry humping and the occasional fellacio. And by occasional I mean severely occasional because I wasnt comfortable doing it, and probably only did it to him once. This guy was also, the last boyfriend that I had (circa 2001). After this I got saved, and the guilt set in so I never called any of the men I was seeing boyfriends. We never made it official because I never planned to stay, but still wanted their commitment. Also after my 2001 boyfriend, there still was no full on sex! I actually like to call this phase the dark ages, because after I got saved I was so riddled with guilt about every guy that I started “talking to”. I didn’t have sex with some of these guys, oftentimes it was just dry humping, but there were a few that I let them put “only the head” in (as if that made a difference). And the danger in “talking to” these guys, not having any intentions that the relationship will work, but then secretly hoping it does, is that the guys were able to get away with more. I lowered my standards, and because the lines were blurry I gave to much and accepted to much. It was just a blurry mess all around.

So I’ve never dated, like really dated, and brought the guy around my friends to meet, to hear the feedback from the ones i loved. I’ve never set limits and boundaries because I didn’t want to take the relationship too seriously. Honestly, I’ve never been 100% myself in the relationship because I’ve always kinda been living a double life. I want a relationship where I am able to have sex once we care for each other, but then I also want a relationship with the Lord, and I want a man whose love for me stems in biblical principles because that’s the only way a insecure and skeptical girl like me will truly have faith that he wont cheat and that our relationship will work out. But that’s just not how God ordained sex, the way of the world is to have sex casually, while God’s way is to wait for marriage. So Im faced with the question….do I really want to be obedient to the christian value of waiting til marriage, or do I want to do my own thing? Is sex before marriage even really a sin in God’s eyes and if so, what are His plans on how we are supposed to control these raging hormones until we get married? I mean, Im about to hit 30, with no prospects, and I would like to begin dating later this year, but Im not quite sure, what I want that too look like.

Anyways, so this is my half formed, barely clear journal rant. As usual feel free to comment, share advice etc. Please dont judge me for my honest ramblings, these are sincere thoughts from the heart of someone who’s never really been able to ask these questions or share these thoughts with any church leaders.

Justification or Letting Go

It’s a new year. new life. New situations. Just everything New. And As much as I really want tolet go of the past, forget the bad, and move on with life, there are a few loose ends I need to tie up. Part of me wants validation and justification. Part of me wants to talk to the leaders higher up, have some questions of mine answered, and dig and prod and really clear my name. But as I’m writing this Im finding release from that need for justification. I’m finding that maybe the thing to do in this situation is to trust God. Who do I feel that I need to prove anything to? Why do I want validation or justificaton? I know in MY heart that God is the one that told me to leave. I know, and only I know, the things I’ve experienced, the way I was treated, the things that were said to me. And if I told anyone would they really believe me? Who Knows?

Thinking about it now, I think there is more honor and more dignity for GOD, if I keep my peace, trust God, and leave quietly. I’ve already said all I need to say. I’ve already been as honest as I can about the things in my heart. And I have to remind myself to trust GOD. To leave it in his hands and trust that he will work all things out.

So…..I trust God.

God I trust you, that you will work this situation out for your good. I trust that you will bring all things into the light. I trust that you will settle anything that isn’t right. And I trust that you will lead me down the road that I need to. From here on out, I forget the bad and the negative from the past. I forgive each and every person. I no longer hold them accountable. I no longer condemn them. I forgive them. It’s done. I’ve forgotten the bad, and I choose to remember only the good. I’m letting go, I’m trusting you, and I’m moving on. I am yours God…amen.

Stereotypes and Racism.

So this is a Presidential election that has made me very sad. Not because I’m upset about the results (Congratulations President Obama!) but because in these past 2 months I’ve experienced racism, prejudice, and stereotypes in ways that I don’t think I have in my entire life, and THAT makes me angry and then sad.

I have a friend that is very ignorant of any culture other than hers. She’s not very familiar with anything outside of the demographic of rich, white, female. She makes some of the most ignorant comments sometimes and it burns me to my core. And over these past few weeks I think I’ve just hit my limit with her to the point where I’m not angry anymore about the fact that she pigeon holes black people, gay people, Hispanic people, into her pre-conceived prejudices….not it just makes me sad. It makes me sad to think that there are still people out there who don’t take time to get to know people anymore, and would rather just generalize a whole group of people based on a few things they’ve observed.

To give you a better idea of what I’m talking about….these are the actual comments she’s made

“This is my friend Patricia, she wears wigs because she’s black.”

“Do all black woman preachers sound like men.”

“Gay guys live to have sex, especially Puerto Rican gay guys.”

“Do black people get lice”

“Are most gay guys short”

These are TRUE statements, no exaggeration of things she’s actually said! Now as a black, straight, christian, woman, I am trying to pin point WHY these stereotypes make me SOOOOO angry! I understand I shouldn’t let one ignorant person, or ignorant comments make me angry but they bother me so much.

Ultimately, I feel I’m angry because the stereotypes are degrading, and they limit us as people. It makes me angry that instead of getting to know a person as an individual, you would see one black person do something and take it to count as the standard or norm for ALL black people. Or to state that we do things BECAUSE we are black, when you don’t know a thing about me as an individual or my culture, just makes me angry. What it boils down to is that it’s unjust! Boom….there it is!

It’s unjust and unfair to box a person in, and say you are this way, or you feel this way based on your skin color, sexual preference, nationality, height, etc! Its unjust, untrue,and unfair. And THAT is what I feel truly burns me at my core!

So what do you guys think on stereotypes, racism, etc. 

Food for thought…

Maybe whats really bothering me is that I dont have answers and I think I should. I think I should know all the exact ins and outs of the next steps, but I dont, and that bothers me because I cant give an answer to people when they ask. But I guess I just have to get used to walking by faith and not by sight (or prior knowledge) and trust God. He led me out here into this wilderness, and I’m sure he’ll provide me with the way. So….breathe missy. You’ll be alright, and you dont have to defend, or feel bad because you CANT defend God. 

Selah!

So freaking upset, and all kinds of confused!!!!

I never should’ve opened my mouth.

I just get angrier and angrier as time passes by. I feel like the more people I talk to, the more muddled things get. Like Terry just called me and he said he heard from Lisa that I was leaving and that there was an offense I had with him, then in his parting he said he’s sure he’ll see me around and he hopes I find what Im looking for. This just makes me upset because Im angry to think that THEY think I’m leaving because of an offense. And offense isnt even the right word, I dont have an offense against him. I have a problem with the way the entire church operates and I have a problem with how rude and controlling he can be. But to say that I’m offended just doesnt seem to be the correct fit. Maybe I just dont know what the word offended means. And then he had Tina on the phone too. Lol….I dont even like that lady! It’s comical to me that she would be there because what was she supposed to do, and I definitely wasnt going to say anything personal while she was there because I dont need her there, I dont know her, and I dont want any more of my words to be minced up, dissected and turned into something else. I can only hope that Melissa represented the truth I told her accurately. She said she understood not just what I was saying, but the heart behind it as well. And I hope things were communicated properly. I’m done Lord. I just want to wash my hands and be done with them all. Again, they are making me feel wrong or less than, etc.

And I know that I didnt do anything wrong. I know that me leaving was your will for me. And it hurts that Im embarrassed or afraid for the decision I’ve made. I hate that feeling. I just want to be free.

It’s scary that Im out here on my own. I feel like everyone is saying I’ve made the wrong choice AND then misjudging my heart and intent for making the choice its annoying.

But what I will do is I will humble myself and check my heart. I’ll pray that it would be rid of the offense……oh blah, blah, blah. All spiritual stuff I used to do just to satisfy the ever increasing desire to please people and God. Lord I don’t have all the answers. I moved based on what you told me. I trust you with the outcome and the results. And I will keep my heart, ear, and face to the ground listening for your next direction.

That chapter of my life is done, I let it go, I move on, I don’t have the mental capacity or sharpness to deal with the ever changing demands and mind games of people. All I can offer is truth, and I’m done talking to people about it. Done trying to explain myself, the more I explain the more clouded and minced my words become. Stick to the basics missy, and keep your mouth closed on everything else.

Dear Diary

Last week Sunday, I told my pastor that this sunday October 28th, would be my last day at church. The conversation didnt go well, I said all the wrong things, she poked and prodded and asked some questions that were based around the negative thoughts that she already had about me. And in the end, I feel like I was lead a certain way, almost tricked into answering a certain way, and them condemned for my answer. In short, I was told, that wherever I go I wouldnt last. I was honest in how I felt being at the church, and honest in the things I’ve observed, and overall, even if she never see’s the things that I’ve pointed out, at least I was truthful, and I did my part. I feel 2 things right now. First, I feel like a whistle-blower.

As I was telling friends about my decision to leave, many of them who were familiar with my church and me, said they were happy for me. They said they were happy I was leaving the oppresion and standing firm on the things I feel God is telling me. I didn’t see the bravery in me leaving until Sunday afternoon, when I was talking to someone after church. She said other people felt the same way I felt, and she said that me leaving was basically alerting the church leaders higher up that something fishy is going on inside our church. I’m glad to know that I wasnt the only one feeling oppressed and that I wasnt growing, and I hope others are able to seek God and do what he says for their lives.

2. I also feel like I am getting out of an abusive relationship. One of our leaders was very oppresive to me. He had strong opinions and a strong dislike for many of the things I did or said. He was rude so many times, he made me feel so inferior, he told me what I could and couldnt do,he lied to me, and manipulated me, yet I stayed because he was a spiritual leader and I was taught that you respect and honor your spiritual leaders. I was so silly and so blind.

And now, now that I’m officially free. Im kinda just sitting here wondering what to do. I’ve been praying that God will lead me to the church that he wants me in. And since I didnt leave my past church specifically in search of something else. i dont have  alist of things Im looking for. I just want to be led by God. I want quiet. I want peace. I want room to breathe and clear my head. Thats what I want.

 

“God wants to write on the tablet of my heart

To define me.inscrbe some things into me

Shape me with his finger

it’s okay to be led by God. Thats how the prophetic comes about. God speaks and you trust his heart