Hello All,
In this blog posting, I am seriously asking you all for some advice. It goes out to every Pastor, church member, lay member, etc. I really need some advice. I want to know when is it a good time to leave a church?
I have been a member of my church since 2007, over the years initially, it was the exact place that I needed to be. They helped me process and work through MANY of my issues with people, and in many ways this church helped me mature. However, over the years problems have developed. I think because I was so “get better” minded when I first came to the church, I had no problem being very transparent and laying all my “junk” out in the open. My heart was that if I wanted to grow spiritually then I had to be honest about where I was and what I was dealing with, the problem is that now people still see me as that old person. They don’t see the growth that has happened over the years. And because I leaned so heavily on them for advice, validation., etc. they are used to having lots of say in how i live my life and what I do. In fact, it’s clearly evident to myself and a few close friends, that my leaders within my church community don’t respect me, or my ability to hear God on my own. They still see me as that young girl, who needed so much help, instead of the woman I am today.
I am not a rebellious person, and in fact I was so closely connected to my leaders that I cut people out of my life that they didnt approve of (other Christian people not the rowdy crowd that will bring you down spiritually) and I pulled back from family because they advised it. However, since 2010, God has been allowing me to see that they are not my Gods, and that not everything they say, is exactly as I should do. Now again, this is not in the rebellious, dont listen to your leaders way, this is in the “They dont like short hair so they condemn you when you cut yours” way. God has allowed me to see that they arent perfect, he’s allowed me to see how they’ve lied to me, how they’ve disrespected me, and how they are stuck in their old opinion of me.
In short, I feel trapped by this church. I feel that I am in a place where I will never be able to please them or to make them feel like I have worth in their eyes, I no longer believe in true accountability in my ministry. Because I feel like real accountability isnt hoinored, instead they want you to have the right answers, and say the right things, but dont reveal where you really are. And finally, I am not getting spiritually fed. For the last year I’ve seriously felt like I am dying spiritually, but Im afraid to leave. I’m afraid that I’ll be making the wrong choice, I’m afraid that they will see it as this is just another thing that I cant complete, and I’m afraid to leave the bigger network that we are connected to. My church is just one church within a huge network that I really believe in, and I’m afraid if I leave I will give myself a bad rep and will be unable to attend any of the other churches in our network. So overall, I’m asking for your advice and experience.
When is it a good time to leave a church? What are your experiences as members and pastors with people that have left? How does the entire situation sound to you? I’m so torn over this whole situation, and I ultimately just want to be free! It doesnt help that I’ve left the church for a few months back in 2008, but that was because I fell in sin. Still, I know, no matter how justified my reasons are, there are some that will think that I am leaving again because of that. Ugh….so torn
As a former pastor I have to say that the main reason to go to a church is to hear from God. If you don’t hear from God through your pastors, church leaders, etc. then is time to go someplace where you can hear from God even if it is all by yourself in the woods. – Blessings and Aloha.
Thanks Paul for taking the time to offer your advice. I think tha’s part of God telling me to move on…it’s to build my relationship on Him alone and to build up my confidence in hearing him for myself instead of constantly depending on a pastor or church leader
Thanks again
My prayers go out to you because that is a really tough question. In the word’s of Doug Fields who probably stole them from someone else, “It is never a good time.” It is also hard to advise any suggestions because of not knowing the full story and details. I actually just left my church and joined a different one. It wasn’t easy but I know what God wanted and it was after a lot of prayer and discussions with my wife.
I would first ask a couple questions. Do you feel what they are doing is contrary to scripture? If so I would try to discuss that with your pastor and leaders in a respectful way and showing the scripture that supports it.
Do you feel there is something you need to be DOING rather than just being fed? Sometimes discontent comes from when God wants you to get active and serve and you just don’t know where yet. If you feel a strong draw to an area of service and they don’t have it then maybe it’s time to find it or start it.
Unfortunately there are times you must leave just because it’s stifling your growth. The way you wrote this blog it seems they may have a tradition of scripture situation. *IE the short hair and making you pull away from other Christians* I am always very leery of anyone telling me to pull away from a Christian. Also I am leery with anyone who says you need to completely separate yourself from non-Christians. Both are against scripture.
My last thought is this. If it is time to leave don’t just up and leave but slowly start to search for a place where you can get fed and to serve. Visit a church and then meet with the pastor. Do it all through prayer.
Hey Searchingbeyond,
Thanks so much for offering your advice. I know it’s hard to look into a situation without knowing everything, but I did take your suggestions to heart, and I did search my heart to see if anything resonated within me. Thankfully after truthfully searching my heart on each of the topics, I can say that ultimately the overall nudging I’m getting from the Lord is that “It’s Time to move on.” No animosity, no resentment to the church, it’s just that this isnt where God wants me anymore. So thanks so much for commenting. I do expect the conversation with my pastor to be a difficult one, but I’m trying to stop worrying about all the minor details, and to trust god, and simply do what he’s calling me to do
That is great to hear. The funny thing about any confrontation is that often there isn’t as much confrontation to the conversation than we place on it with our minds. I’m sure your conversation will go well with your pastor and there is a lot of respect due to you for actually talking to your pastor about it. Most people will just leave and not say anything. If your pastor is a strong leader she will pray for you in your journey to find where God wants you to be.
I’m not a member of a church and, in the traditional sense, I haven’t been for over a decade (I attended a small worship group for about ten years up until last year). My wife and I originally became believers within the context of a particular church and our reason for leaving it was how they A) managed money and debt and B) how they had a long history of cliques running the overall operations of the church.
It’s tough to directly respond to your query when I know nothing about you or the church you’re attending. On the one hand, when you join a church, you are agreeing to submit to their authority, but on the other hand, church leaders aren’t immune from abusing their authority. You might want to go to the relevant portions of the New Testament and compare the qualifications for congregational leaders you find there to your own experience and see if there’s a mismatch of some kind.
At the same time, you might want to explore other churches you think might suit your current needs better and see if they really do.
Most of all, if you have someone you can discuss this with face-to-face who knows you and knows your church…someone you can trust to be honest and caring, that would really help. Like I said, it’s hard to give this kind of advice by proxy, so to speak.
Hey James,
Thanks so much for your advice. I have taken it and I went and spoke to someone, unbiased, that I consider a father to me. He gave me great advice, and all advice aside I feel deeply in my heart that my time at the church has come to an end, and that it’s time to move on. You bring up a good point about the fact that when we join a church we agree to submit to their authority, and we do, but when I joined my church I was young and naive, and part of me feels that I’ve never had the opportunity to make my own spiritual choice about where I attend, and where I worship. Sadly, authority does have the ability to abuse their power, and unfortunately I’ve experienced alot of spiritual bullying these past 2 years. So ultimately I think it’s time for me to move on, and just that thought is so freeing and liberating. It’s been said by friend sof mine that my church always felt a little cultish, and before talking to friends about considering leaving, I thought it was unheard of and taboo to do. Thanks so much again!
No worries. Glad you got it sorted. Peace.
I say leave when it doesn’t feel right anymore. We are going through the same thing. After 38 years at one church… it is time. My heart hurts but I am optomistic for the new paths God is showing me. He is faithful… keep seeking. He will answer.
Hey Beatingcows,
Thanks for taking the time to respond! Your right, I’ve been seeking God and in my heart I know it’s time, its just the fear of what people will say thats holding me back. But I am trying not to think about that, and instead trusting that God will do his thing and take care of all the details….all that matters is my obedience.
After reading your entry, I feel you’ve answered your own question. I understand the fear of leaving something so familiar, something that once gave you such comfort. But, you have to ask yourself, what was the reason you joined an stayed in the first place. A simple one sentence answer would suffice. And if you can answer whether or not your ministry can still fulfill that for you, then you’ll have your answer. I’m not religious but I was brought up Catholic. All I can say, is if something is making you more unhappy than happy, then change it.
Thanks Mel, I appreciate it! Leaving something I’m so familiar with is tough, but I’m hoping to make a decision shortly. Your right, I do thin kI know the answer it’s just actually doing it that takes some courage
The best way to get the right answer is to ask the one who has all the answers, God .
Pray about it and believe and i know God will make it clear in your heart .And if He has , follow your heart, because the is the Holy spirit talking to you on Christ’sbehalf.
http://www.fanningtheflickeringflame.blogspot.com
Hey Edward,
Thanks so much for responding. And he has made it clear…it’s time for me to move on!
Dear GumbyHeart,
All I can say is the following based upon experience and I believe the leading of the Holy Spirit. Over the last 20-30 years churches have fallen away from the truth of the bible. The leadership have catered to the congregation and themselves to keep members so they did not have any problems to deal with if they for instance preached on Sin and fornication and living a righteous life. Also the the love of money grew and grew even in small churches. Accountability went out of the door and pray by the leadership either stopped or was very limited.
The scripture that says do not forsake the gathering of the brethren is used to hit Christians over the head with to make sure you attend church. However the key word here is brethren. If the church is not a collection of saints that believe and teach the whole bible then you should forsake it. There are many Christians around the world that have stopped going to a standard format church due to the same concerns that you raise and others. I have lived in South Africa and the UK. The church in Acts is described in the following way :- Then Peter said to them, “Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is to you and to your children, and to all who are afar off, as many as the Lord our God will call.” And with many other words he testified and exhorted them, saying, “Be saved from this perverse generation.” Then those who gladly received his word were baptized; and that day about three thousand souls were added to them. And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need. So continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they ate their food with gladness and simplicity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved.
(Act 2:38-47)
Notice that it says they had things in common and Now all who believed. Believed in what? The apostles doctrine mentioned in the preceding sentences. The church is not a building but a group of local believers fellowshipping, caring and encouraging each other. I have heard the term there is NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT CHURCH too many times as a coverup and excuse for not teaching sound doctrine and holding people accountable. There is only this specific scripture that is used to push us into a formal church structure. I attended RHEMA bible school in Johannesburg for a year and attended Rhema bible church led by Pastor Ray McCauley for 8 years.
However I have come to the conclusion that it is better to trust in Jesus at home reaching out to other Christians of like mind than to sit under leadership that will not listen to your concerns and not operate as the bible says. We are each personally held to account for what we have done and not the leader we follow. God is our head. We need to get back to the book of acts church. I believe that over the next few years the church will be in houses and communities again and we will have to share things and have communion together with the right heart. The world is descending slowly down a steep moral and ethical slope which is going to end in death. The world financial systems are going to fail and non-believers will be looking for a saviour in the form of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Notice it says of Nazareth. The Jesus that you portray will be of the town you live in and not the church you attend.
The god on money is going to be shaken and people will need to look at what they really believe and will find that they are lonely, sinful, scared and in need. We need to be ready to show love and compassion and have the answers they seek. Jesus the truth the ligth and the way.
I hope this helps. If you need and other questions or concerns, please let me know.
Yours in Christ Raymond
Thank you Raymond…..the scripture reference really helped point me to what Gods heart for true community and church looks like.
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Find a church with a male pastor. Thats pretty basic truth. God’s word is not a wish list and His Holy Spirit isnt a genie.
Thnaks for sharing your thoughts. Your solution is a pretty blanket and cosmetic solution. Just because the pastor of a church is a male doesnt mean that church isnt going to have flaws. In choosing churches, I go where God leads me. And if God can use to Donkey to speak to men, if he can use a prostitute to tell people about Jesus, then I’m sure he can manage to use a female pastor.